It's NEVER Lupus!

*** continued from previous post ***

"Oh yeah, we get some heavy weather here in dese here mountains. Weather report said it was gonna rain this afternoon. In fact, they said it was gonna rain all week." He looked at me as I began to shiver. "Bummer that, you being on the bike and all."

Show no fear . . . show no fear, I chant in my head.

"Pfffffttttt. We never let a little bad weather stop us," I managed to say through chattering teeth. "You know the saying."

He looked puzzled for a minute, glancing around at his fellow Canucks to see if anyone would volunteer the answer. None did. Now I was going to have to make something up.

"Well, they say. . . ."

Everyone leaned a bit closer.

"They say. . . ." I falter. I need an ending - something dynamite. Several things go through my head. What do they say? 'Take your vitamins.' But I don't really see how that applies. 'Wear a condom.' Sage advice, but not appropriate for the circumstances. 'If life gives you lemons, take the frickin' things back and demand a refund, or at least an in-store credit.' That one is a possibility. 'There are two things in this world you should never trust - Carney Folk and mobile Dentists.' Solid wisdom right there, but again lacking that certain spark. 'If it's too good to be true you're probably hallucinating." Well, you can't argue with that. But. . . but. . . suddenly, inspiration strikes!

"It's NEVER Lupus,” I say with a satisfied smile.

Ha Ha! Hoisted on your own petard! Refute that logic silly Canadians!

I would like to take a moment and ask you if you have ever experienced a blank stare? A truly 'cogs-turning-in-the-machinery-but-nobody-to-push-the-start-button' stare? Time slowed. Sound and motion stopped. I could feel the mood turning.

Did I really just say that? What the hell? Lupus? I realize that I may be suffering from hypothermia. Curse you Gregory House! Begone demon doctor of the airwaves!

"I mean," I stumble, "that if you don't ride in the rain, it's not Lupus."

Well this is going nowhere. "No wait, I may have gotten my metaphors crossed. OH! I remember! If you don't ride in the rain, you're a *&$#@ pussy."

Protip: Profanity is always a proper choice and a good way to garner respect. It makes any situation more fun for everyone involved. But you knew that. You're in the Navy for God's sakes.

Had my ploy been successful? I look around at the faces staring at me for reassurance. The theme from "Jeopardy" is suddenly pumped over the boats PA system. My suspicions have been confirmed. The captain is an ass-hat.

"Oh," says scooter-boy, and offers a hearty laugh, "boy that there is the truth. You can tell the bar-hoppers from the real riders. You never see the bar-hoppers in the rain!"

The group agrees and we all share a good chuckle. Yet I see the signs, I know what will happen next. I've reached that certain plateau in my social skills where I go from absolutely amusing and entertaining to - and this is the absolute truth - dead on annoying. It's a short trip.

I'm cold, wet, shivering, slightly confused and out of ammo. In other words, I got nuthin'.

Luckily the rain is now coming down so viciously that even the die-hards have no choice but to return to their vehicles.



*** the journey continues. . . probably ***