It's Never Too Early To Suck Up To Our Eventual Robotic Overlords - All Hail Klatu 9!

*** continued from previous post ***


I continue to scroll through the listings. It goes directly from "Lola’s Mountain Manor Motor Lodge" to "My Converted Garage That Still Smells a Bit of Wet Cat and Mustard But Looks Kind Of Victorian if You Squint Your Eyes and Tilt Your Head To The Right Bed And Breakfast."

Uh oh.

Ever so quietly, barely audible, I hear the sultry Aussie voice of the GPS whisper "Your not gonna find it Mate. Take my advice, turn around."

"Shut up," I mutter, now frantically pressing the scroll buttons hoping beyond hope that I had somehow missed the listing.

"Game oveh. Yer screwed. I suggest suicide," purrs my digital Sweet Alice.

I lean close to the screen, "Shut the hell up before I rip you out by your wires and chuck you into the ditch."

"Who are you talking to?", Mom asks.

"Nobody," I reply, a bit more harshly than I intended.

Like syrup being poured from a bottle, the GPS whispers, "Tell you what Mate. How 'bout if'n I direct you to the nearest Hospital 'cause yer gonna need one inna minute."

Mom leans forward. "Are you strangling the GPS?"

I look to my hands. Unconsciously, they've gravitated towards the GPS and are now engaged in some serious squeezing. "Umm . . . no. I think there's a loose wire, I was just trying to fix it."

Even through the rain and the helmets I can hear your Mom sigh.

“Strangling a helpless piece of technology. You've gone round the bend, eh? Toys in the attic and all that? You f'ed it up right good now, ain't ya?", whispers my sweet Aussie princess.

I may have started to weep. I don't know. Suddenly inspiration strikes!

"Suz! We have the confirmation email in the saddle bag. The address and phone number are on there. I'll just plug the address directly into the GPS and whoopsie-doodles, we will be there in a flash!"

Ha Ha! Take that you commie-pinko GPS! Your taunts mean nothing now! I've beaten you at your game for I am an AMERICAN! I am from THE STATES! Our kind created you, and our kind will destroy you at will! Well, until the eventual takeover by our Robotic Overloads. Which we all know is a given. All hail Klatu 9!

*** the journey continues ***

I Named My GPS 'Sweet Alice'

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Now that the familiar part of the trip was behind us, the time had come for me to test out my newest toy.  Our shiny, new, (RoXor - I told you I liked refurbs) GPS that we had mounted to the console of the bike a mere week before our trip.  

I had long lusted for this unit.  If you do not understand the term 'techno lust' you are no daughter of mine.  And I'm not speaking of the feeling that comes over you at a Rave from too much 'punch' and the pounding beat of 'The Crystal Method', I'm speaking of the romance of gadgetry.  The seductive world of chips and processors and memory and astronomical pricing for first-adopters.  God I love technology!  I think I now understand, and I'm generalizing here, some women's insanity for shoes.  Or maybe not.  That's just weird.  

Anyway, back to the object of my current adoration.  The GPS was a thing worthy of adoration.  Full color touch screen, its voice integrated with the speaker/sound system on the Vision - all the bells and whistles.  The epitome of our technological civilization.  The pinnacle of Homo Technus.  A miracle really, think about it - I could have saved us so much time if I'd had a GPS when you were small.  No more getting lost for hours.  No more tears.  No more frantic calls asking someone if they perchance knew where in the Hell we might possibly be.  I was giddy as a lotto winner, (not a Megamillions winner - somewhere around a $5000 scratch-ticket winner), as I plugged our destination of Galway Bay, British Columbia into the unit and watched, with fascination, as me lover-ly, lover-ly rudimentary autonamaton plotted our course.  

My enthusiasm lasted about 30 minutes, whereupon, somewhere in the godforsaken badlands north of Ritzville, I had a minor breakdown and heated argument with the GPS.  No kidding.  I had set the GPS to a female Australian voice.  She was hot.  I named her Alice.  Sweet, sweet Alice.  As difficult as it to believe, my innate sense of direction was failing me that day, (I know!), and before you could say 'dust bowl' we took a wrong turn, then another.  My precious was not amused.  That little floozy got sarcastic in a hurry.  I may love technology, but I hate uppity machines.   

*** the journey continues tomorrow ***

Ye cannot change the laws of Physics!

*** continued from previous post  ***


I looked at the clock on my desk and realized that 2 hours had passed and I had heard nary a peep from your Mother. Where did the time go? I started out checking prices for the Uber Tote, and somehow wound up memorizing the lyrics to "Chocolate Rain" as performed by Chad Vader, Darth's younger brother. Da Netz is a vast resource of obscure knowledge. It is because of things like Chad and "Garfield minus Garfield" and epic fails that I needed to bring the laptop on vacation. What if I fell behind? What if I lost my edge? That was a risk I could not take.

I found your Mom, sitting against the house with her hair hanging in her face, and sweat beading on her forehead like the sheen on the outside of a cool, cool tasty drink on a hot, hot summer's day. Or much like the forehead of our accountant Fred.

"It's not all going to fit," she said, somewhat dejectedly, "and before you even start in we are not getting the Uber monstrosity."

Nicely played fair lady.

She looked so sad, so forlorn that it broke my heart. I walked over and offered my hand to pull her upright. "It's okay sweetie. Let's see what we can do."

As you know, the flip-side to your Mother's little tic was that I had learned to squeeze things into an allotted space that should not be allowed by our current understanding of the space-time continuum. I walked over to the bike, and looked at what she had done. The saddlebags were close to bursting, so I let them be. The trunk, on further inspection, and with some minor rearranging, could take in a bit more before it popped the hinges.

You want to know what love is? Right there in the bottom of the trunk was the laptop. She'd abandoned the Panini press/hairdryer and packed my laptop. Evidence of one of the many, many reasons that your Mom is the love of my life and my best friend. I mean really . . . who else would put up with my crap?

"You know, you've actually done a pretty good job here tiger. I can move some things around a little, and maybe squeeze some more room. What couldn't you fit in that you really, and I mean REALLY, need?"

Mom paused for a moment. It's hard to watch someone's dream die right before your eyes, unless that person is a former member of the Bush Cabinet or a Fox reporter, then it's a hoot. "I guess just these pairs of tennis shoes. I thought it would be nice to get out of our boots at night. I have no idea how to get your cane in there so you can reach it easily.' She looked around, "Most of our clothes are in the bag that we're going to strap to the trunk, so I guess we are good to go there."

"Did you get your books to fit?"

"Yeah. And a couple of magazines. I had to leave the book on birds out though," she snuffled.
"That's okay. If we see an interesting species, we will kill it and identify the body later," I said, pulling her into a hug. I knew right then I would find a place for her bird book even if I had to staple it to my damn chaps. Side note; staples stop hurting after about an hour and then itch like crazy. No, I'm not going to tell you now I know this.

She smiled. It was nice to see that smile. "It's going to be a good trip, isn't it?"

"Babe," I said and gave her a quick peck on the cheek, "it's going to be a wonderful trip. We are about to visit one of the most beautiful areas on the North American continent. We'll get some great riding on an incredible piece of modern technology, then we get to stay at an incredible Lodge and use that as base camp while we explore Banff. This little excursion," I said, meaning every word, "will be magical."

She smiled again, and after all these years I felt my heart skip a beat. That smile of hers is still intoxicating. "Tell you what, I'll finish up packing on the bike. Why don't you start taking some of this stuff back inside."

"Deal," she said and gave my arm a squeeze.


*** the journey continues tomorrow

Suzuki and Cobra Engineering unveiled custom Boulevard M109R power cruise

American Suzuki Motor Corporation (ASMC), in partnership with Cobra Engineering, launched a fully customizable Boulevard M109R power cruiser at the New York International Motor Show (IMS) at the Jacob K. Javits Convention Center.

Suzuki Boulevard M109R ships - cruisers of the most powerful Suzuki has ever produced - has turned into a heavily modified racing style yachts, representing the company's strong racing heritage. Cobra Special Projects Division, led by renowned builder Denny Berg, utilized elements of Suzuki GSX-R champion sportbike line, including the GSX-R 20 years of blue and white paint scheme, GSX-R1000 foot pegs, and sportbike-style tail section, where sit and handlebar steps.

Custom M109R also features a more open frame, displaying 1783cc, liquid-cooled, V-twin engine with dual overhead cams, four valves per cylinder and seamless Suzuki electronic fuel injection. Shares of M109R engine has been designed to produce a large wave of torque from just idle to redline. And, comfortable chassis to handle all the power and torque of a big V-twin, and provide agile handling and a comfortable riding position.

"We are very pleased to work with the Cobra Special Projects Division is amazing custom designs," said Glenn Hansen, communications manager, ASMC. "We know that cruiser riders want 'true' high performance bikes and custom accessories fit their personal style and needs. With a series of Cobra accessories combined with the already strong M109R engine design, this customized cruiser giving at all levels."


2007 Boulevard M109R

Suzuki introduced the much-anticipated Boulevard M109R cruiser to its 2006 line-up to satisfy consumers’ needs for a more powerful cruiser. The M109R features Suzuki’s race-proven technology from the championship-winning GSX-R sportbike line, boasting awesome power with its 1783cc V-Twin powerplant and an innovative look with aggressive styling and long, sleek flowing lines that define a new generation of Suzuki cruising machines.

From the GSX-R inspired front fender to the purposeful front headlight to the long low fuel tank and stylish rear fender, the M109R drips with deep rich paint complemented by mirror-like chrome accents throughout the entire design. Other stylish features include a wide fuel tank with a generous 5.2-gallon capacity, a low comfortable seat, integrated frame side covers and a uniquely designed radiator cowl. Upfront, a streamlined headlight cover houses a unique trapezoid-shaped multi-reflector halogen headlight and a maintenance free LED taillight built into the tail section. Chrome dual slash cut mufflers complete the fashionable look of the M109R.

For 2007, Suzuki introduced the Boulevard M109R Limited Edition model. The limited edition M109R features all the benefits of the popular cruiser with a specially designed paint scheme, textured seat, clear taillight with red LEDs, clear turn signals and other design extras.

Rounding out the 2007 Boulevard cruiser line are the M50, M50 Limited Edition, S40, S50, S83, C50, C50T, C50C, C90 and C90T.